you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
