I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
