I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
