she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
