The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
