you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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