On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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