dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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