I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
