dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
