i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Is Oprah even human
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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