So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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