More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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