please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
