I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
