you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
