How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
