i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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