I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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