i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
