After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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