tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
