I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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