and you said cock pushups were impossible
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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