Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
