Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
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im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
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My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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