i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
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I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
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Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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