I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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