I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
