Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
