One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
