Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I am naked and annoyed.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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