once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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