I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
