I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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