Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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