My nipple is on Facebook.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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