Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
