i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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