my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
