one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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