there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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