Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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