My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
