I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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