I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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