Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
