Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
