I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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