dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
