a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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