i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
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In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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