Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
