so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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