Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
