We named our party play list daddy issues
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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