final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
