Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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