I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
