i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
