yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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